I know I shouldn’t listen to you, but you’re actually making sense this time.

Timeline/World: Through the Looking Glass – Atheria 3rd Generation
Current Date: August 28, 2057

Character: Arthur McBride
Race: Human
Age: 41, physically about 26
Current residence: Atheria City, Eresiel
 

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Meditation is hard.

I try, I really do. I do what I can to focus on just the whole breathing thing and trying to think about nothing thing, but my brain just doesn’t understand it, not really. I know that’s also the point. If your mind wanders, you bring it back to the moment and just clear your thoughts, but I can’t do it. I’ve tried, I have. I’ve tried for months—to not say years because that would be a lie.

The most I can manage is about a minute or so of sitting still before my mind starts to wander. Then I start to think about what I need to do around the house, or I think back on things I’ve done, or I go even further back because my
mind is just looking for something to latch onto and I go back years upon years and think about all the shitty and maybe not so shitty things I’ve done.

I’m sure that if someone were to look in on my life and only caught certain glimpses of things, they’d think that I live a stupidly miserable life. Thinking about all those ugly things I’ve done, maybe even only ever being focused on those things while I try to not fall back into that pit and all of the rest, but they’d be wrong. Yes, I do think plenty about what my life used to be like and what kind of jerk I was. I’m not going to lie about that.

The thing is that I don’t think about these things every day. I don’t focus just on the bad. I do have set visits to the head doc and that’s when most of my focusing on the bad happens. Though, I suppose that in a way that’s a bit of a lie. The bad was something I focused on a lot at the start but now that I’ve gotten better, we do talk about it a little—especially if I bring it up—but otherwise, we focus on all those positive things I do.

So anyway, long story short, yes, I do think back on all those stupid things but they’re not my main focus in life and trying to meditate is really hard. I’ve tried.

At one point, I think I was just trying too hard, visualizing myself having a discussion with, well, myself. Arguing about things every time my mind would wander to bring it back to the discussion that I was trying to have and just, all in all, it’s a mess.

I’m not judging anyone out there who manages to meditate, I actually tip my hat to them. Even if I don’t wear a hat.

At most, I’m pretty sure that if I somehow managed this whole meditation thing, I’d end up feeling as though I shouldn’t be listening to that little voice inside because I really shouldn’t. It was through listening to that little voice that I did all of those stupid things and, back then, those stupid things made sense. I know better now and I’m not about to fall back into that pattern.

When I was first told about it, the doc said that for some, it was really easy, but for others, it just wasn’t. There was no way of knowing. It all depended on the person trying and all. So yeah, I tried. I still try but I still fail and at times it makes me think that my brain is wired into that attention deficit thing, but I know it’s not. They’ve run the tests before when I mentioned that there were days when my attention was prone to being all over the place, but I don’t have any of these issues. My brain is just doing what it wants.

Which, you know, I’m aware it could be worse. I could have all sorts of bad things going on with me and I don’t think that my life would be what it is so I can’t complain. Yeah, I was an idiot growing up. Yeah, I’ve made great progress when it comes to that. Yeah, some things will never be the way they were before but so what? If I dwell on that, I’ll never be satisfied with my life, and I do love my life. It’s not perfect, it will never be perfect, but I make it as close to perfect as I can and that’s all there really is to it, in the end.

I wake up in the mornings, I get through my day, I enjoy the little moments because those are what make it all worth it; at times, I’ll think a bit about that whole thing about the stupid things I’ve done in the past. At other times, I’ll try to meditate. It all really is just what it is, in the end.

Final Word Count: 810

There are good ideas and then there are the ones you come up with.

 
Timeline/World: Through the Looking Glass – Atheria 3rd Generation
Characters: Arthur McBride
Race: Human
Age: 40, physically about 26
Current residence: Atheria City, Eresiel
Final Word Count: 767 words
 

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It would be a very ugly lie if I were to claim that all is well and perfect in my life. I think that, for the most part, I’m doing really well and my relationship with my family is doing pretty good except, for well, Madi. It’s been years and I’ve done all I could to ensure that we could both leave my past mistakes behind, but I was such an absolute little shit that it’s no surprise that we mostly manage to be civil to one another and don’t enjoy spending time together.

I still visit the head doc every other month. It’s still about half an hour of my time and we try to not poke at the same moment in my life over and over again. We’ll revisit certain moments but not back-to-back.

All in all, though, I do like the person I am. I used to be terrified that these sessions would change me into someone I just wouldn’t even recognize. Someone whose face wouldn’t ring a bell once I caught a simple glance in the mirror. There were certain sessions that were frustrating beyond belief, sessions that I wanted to forget ever existed, but I kept at it because I knew—I know—I needed it and still do need it. Soon, I think, I might end up going four times a year. I’ve been making pretty good progress, after all.

During my last session, we talked about one particular moment in my life before Tyra even really became part of it. It’s these sessions that make me realize that I was a little shit long before she came into my life, yes, her presence added to my behaviour though it is in no way her fault that I acted the way I did.

I’m not even sure how old I really was, to be honest. I just know that it was one of many moments in my life where I used to look at Madison and think to myself that I wish I could have had a better sibling. If I think back really hard, I might be able to pinpoint that, maybe, just maybe, I could have been eight, maybe nine. That means that she was twelve or thirteen. I remember that we were brainstorming—I believed I was brainstorming because all of her ideas felt lame to me—over what to prepare for Christmas that year.

I kept on bringing up ideas that I would write down in a handwriting that was very seriously messy, and whenever she would pipe up with an idea of her own, I remember clearly how I would just heave this huge sigh and roll my eyes at her, telling her that there were good ideas how there, but then, there were the ideas she would come up with.

How did she even put up with my behaviour? Madison has more patience than I think I would have had if I’d had to be around my younger self at her age. I couldn’t see it back then and she clearly never told our parents about my behaviour because I don’t remember ever being in trouble for how I talked to her. There’s no taking back all that I’ve said to her over the years. There’s no changing the fact that the chasm between us, with its slightly rickety bridge in the middle, is all my fault.

That there, that behaviour from when I was a kid and behaviour that I still had towards her until somewhat recently, that’s why I see the shrink. That’s why I go, that’s why I force myself to look back at how I was so that I can fix what I can, even though I can’t turn back time. I can’t put the pieces all back together, they’ll never fit the way they might have had if I hadn’t acted the way I did but I can still try to piece together a slightly stronger bridge.

I know that we’re about as close as we might ever be. I know—or I’d like to believe it as she told me that much—that she’s not holding onto grudges, as far as our childhood is concerned. I know that all there is for me to do, is keep on doing my part and just hope that we can at least keep on adding better foundations to that rickety bridge.

One day, maybe, that bridge will be solid enough that we’ll be able to spend time together, maybe even alone in a room without there being any awkwardness between us.

I don’t even know where to begin.

 
Timeline/World: Through the Looking Glass – Atheria 3rd Generation
Characters: Arthur McBride
Race: Human
Age: 39, physically about 26
Final Word Count: 660 words
 

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One part of this whole ‘bettering myself’ thing I’ve been doing for a few years has been my appointment to a head doc once every other month. It might seem like a lot, but I used to go every month at first and the sessions were longer, now; it’s mostly a half hour or so spent talking and it helps me keep on figuring myself out.

I hated it at first, but no one forced me to go. I made myself go because I knew I had to. It’s just one of those things that I knew I probably had to do so I could understand just how messed up I was inside.

The thing is, I know it’s no one’s fault but my own, everything that happened. My behaviour was my own. My parents didn’t teach me to act this way; they didn’t tell me to behave the way I had, I just acted that way because that’s how I saw things and it just took far too long for the proper truth to sink in and when that truth did sink in, I sought help. It was hard; I’m not going to lie. It was so hard. I cried before that first session because I was terrified that I’d come completely unravelled and that Tyra would want nothing to do with the shadow of the person I was likely going to become.

So sure, during that first session, I didn’t even know where to begin; where does one even start? I knew I needed to be there but I didn’t know what I was supposed to talk about and it’s actually pretty intimidating to make yourself open up to someone you’re not that close to. Sure, we’re not thousands here in this safe haven but we still don’t know everyone personally, we don’t know all that makes them who they are. We know their names, we know a thing or two about them but that’s it.

I think it took me three sessions before I was finally beginning to feel a little more comfortable with the idea of opening up. I was told it could have taken me a lot longer to open up but I guess I was ready to face the music or whatever it is they say about these like these.

While I was beginning to feel more comfortable, I’m not going to lie, I didn’t really feel until it was actually doing me any good. I felt like all I was doing was shoving the knife in deeper into every wound I was opening up by talking about them.

It was half a year into the sessions that I started realizing that it was helping. I didn’t feel so tense stepping into that little office and I didn’t feel so raw when I was stepping out of there.

Sure, there still are sessions when I step in and I don’t even know where to begin. I talk a little about what happened since last time, I talk about the good and the bad. We focus on ways to make sure we keep the bad mostly down low because that’s where it belongs but all in all, it has helped. I didn’t think it would. I’m not going to lie, I went in there thinking it was all hogwash and that I would be better off without but I’m glad I persevered because I did need it. I wouldn’t be who I am right now without those sessions.

My life isn’t perfect but I don’t think that anyone’s life can be perfect. It can likely get pretty close to what we imagine ‘perfect’ to be, but it’s not. There’s always doing to be those darker days, there’s always going to be that one little slip that makes everything crumble. It’s not common and we’re well equipped to deal with it all but having someone else to talk to is good for the soul, I think.

I think that there’s nothing wrong with the way I am now, but I’m not going to ignore the things I need to improve.

 
Timeline/World: Atheria – 3rd Generation
Characters: Arthur McBride
Race: Human
Age: 37, physically about 26
Final Word Count: 526 words
 

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I’ve changed. I’ve changed since I first entered adulthood, I’ve changed from when I was a teen, when I was a child, when I was, well you get the point. I’ve changed.

I admit that for the longest of times—far too long but that is in the past—I was refusing to change. I was clinging to the way I saw things and I made everyone around me miserable while that was happening. At least, I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong and I was too blind to see that I was making everyone feel bad because of it but yeah, that was in the past. I’m a better person.

I’m not perfect though. I know I’ll never be perfect but I can strive to be the very best I can be.

All in all, I think that there’s nothing actually wrong with the way I am now. I’ve bettered myself over the years, not always in a healthy way and I likely would have spiralled way out of control if not for my lovely one at my side to remind me to not be a complete idiot about everything. I have my quirks, I have my habits and those are both good and bad but all in all, I still believe that there’s nothing actually wrong with me. I am who I am and I seem to be quite loved this way so why change?

Of course, that doesn’t stop me from keeping up the ‘good work’ as I like to call it. I’m not going to ignore that there are things I need to improve. There will always be those things and I want to just keep on getting a little better all the time. A little bit here, a little bit there. I don’t want to change myself so much that I’m unrecognizable, that would be pointless but still.

The aim of the game is just to be comfortable in my own skin while keeping others in mind as well. That was my problem when I was young. I was focused so much on myself that I didn’t see the bigger picture. I didn’t see that I was being a selfish arsehole, holding onto my grudge for so long that even now that I’m over it and we’ve worked out the issues, there still remains some bad blood. Nothing to ruin family gatherings, not in the way they used to be ruined by my idiocy but it’s perhaps best that I not be alone in the same room as Madison. I think we’d just end up in our own corners, waiting until others returned.

I just want to live my life to the fullest. I want to live my life with Tyra and her patience with my slow but eventual progress is the best thing there ever could be. Her patience and love seem without end as far as I’m concerned and I will cherish every second of every moment I am given. I think that’s why I just want to be a better person still. For us, for us, for our love and our bond. For our souls.

Forever.

What was I supposed to do?

Timeline/World: Atheria 3rd Generation
Characters: Arthur McBride
Race: Human
Age: 37, physically about 26
Final Word Count: 586 words

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I can admit albeit somewhat unwillingly, that I have not—and still am not—always rational when it comes to Tyra. From our very first meeting, I just knew that I wanted, no, I needed her to be mine. Not in a possessive way, I didn’t want her to be my slave or anything else, I just had to be at her side, to be her one, to be the one whose every action would bring a smile to her face, I needed to be part of her life, I couldn’t explain it then, of course, it confused me to think I wanted something so strong between us to happen but it was there.

As the years went on by and Tyra showed warmth to both my sister and me, it didn’t bother much, not at first. There was a small pang of something most of the time but I could ignore it easily enough because she was spending time with me, I knew I had the biggest crush on her but I was almost ready to share if it was with my sister, almost.

Except, there was that one incident and that incident changed everything. I know my behaviour as far as that incident is concerned was completely irrational and remained irrational for years. I am more than a little ashamed to admit that it took me far too long to realize that this need I had to be Tyra’s everything was making me a complete ass to my sister who had never meant any harm. I mean, my reaction, in a way, helped me be the one to have Tyra as mine to love, cherish and worship forever but it still caused a rift in the family.

Only in the last fifteen years or so—far too short a time ago, I know and it eats at me when I let it—was I finally able to grow up, so to speak. I was able to take a step back, look at things with a critical but detached eye to realize how wrong I had been all of these years. Five years. It took five years after Madison had found someone and was bonded to them for me to realize that she was no threat to Tyra, this is really what this had been about all of these years. I had felt that Madison was a threat to my relationship with Tyra. You can say it, I was an absolute idiot but what was I supposed to do? There was just something there that I couldn’t explain and still can’t.

Thankfully, though it hasn’t always been easy and mending this years-long broken bond took time, our family reunions are just so much better there. Less stress, less animosity. I was at the source of everything of the sort that ever happened and I am reminded of this every time we meet back up. I know that all of these years of bad blood—all by my own behaviour—will never truly be fixed but we still can spend time together and behave like siblings who have never had an issue when we all meet up together at our parents’ house, I think that this is as much as I can ask for at this point in time.

I will continue to make amends and that will be that.

Thank you, Tyra, for still seeing the good in me all these years despite the fact that I was an absolute idiot. I love you.